| my heart sleeps as i watch the stars move |
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Saturday, February 28, 2004 someone tell my mom to stop freaking out i'm so angry and frustrated right now. more so with my parents. i can't take this. my mom is so overbearing. i seriously can't take it. and i'm a bit frustrated with peter right now too.here's the story, well briefly. peter and his family invited me to go to europe with them over spring break. i told him i can't b/c i have no money. he says that if i don't want to go, then i should just say so. i said, i never said that. he keeps saying that. and i said, don't put words in my mouth. i never said i didn't want to go. i just said i can't for practical reasons. he keeps saying i should ask my parents. and i said i already know what they're gonna say. he says fine, if you don't want to go, just say so. i didn'1 say that! i can't ask my parents b/c they just gave me money for london and i usually dont' ask them for things like this all the time. especially money for me to have fun. i do'nt like to ask them for money or for things. i try not to ask so often either. i like to save it up for something big. especially asking for money/buying something/or going on a trip/moving out. like i did when i got my guitar. i paid for it, but i still had to ask my parents. and b/c i try not to ask for much, when i do, they know it's more important. like going to london too. so i told peter, i just went and i can't ask for money again, especially if they are considering a car right now. and i'm so hesitant about that too! i almost backed out of talking about the mini to them b/c i just don't feel right. asking for somehting and pushing to get it. it's like a dream car, and i'd be spoiled if i got it. so i backed off and suggested others. but the point came across again about the price range of the mini. it's a good price range. anyways, peter just doesn't understand that this was the way i was raised. and it's just me. i just don't like asking them for too many things. it has to be reasonable. anyways, i haven't had a chance to talk to them this past week, and when i told him that, he was offended that i couldn't remember to ask them. well excuse me. i've been busy and i already said that this is somehting that i know they would not let me go and i know and don't want to have to ask them for anymore money. he goes and says things that make me feel bad for not remember to ask my parents and not thinking this is important enough to remember. so i just talked to my mom....which ended with me getting really frustrated. not b/c she said no. i knew she was going to say no. i ddint' even ask for the money or to go. she freaked out about me going and it seeming like i was his girlfriend. (my mom and her old fashion ways, she thinks that when someone is a gf, or bf, that automatically means they are sleeping together or in a really really serious relationship. i tried explaining to her the meaning of it these days, but she doesn't get it. she has issues with what other people may think.) she thinks his parents will get the wrong idea. hello. i think they already think something. they told me to stay over once if i was going to stay late, but i went home. and then the other night, they told peter to stay at my place b/c of the rain. but he went home in the early morning. i'm so frustrated right now. i can't take this. my mom is too much. when i tell peter tomorrow that i talked to my parents and like i had said, i wouldn't be able to go, and that i got into yet another fight with my parents, i hope he will be happy. i know my parents, and i know when to push it or not. and this is not the time. especially since everytime i talk to them, i can't stand it and i just end up arguing and getting angry anyways. there's no way around it. even if i start the arguments, i just can't take it. you guys know me and yes, i am on the conservative side. and that's just me. or how i was raised, but i can't take it how she treats me now. she needs to understand that all the lessons she wants to teach me are taught and now it's just up to me to live and learn. i'm gonna go cry myself to sleep b/c i'm so frustrated. yeh, i cry, you'll just never see me when i do. i just blog about it. Friday, February 27, 2004 funny story.i saw both jenn and jasmine today! at the same time! we had our girls luncheon that took us a whole week to plan out. we've all been so busy that we dont' see each other anymore. even on our breaks at school, we are always running from one place to another. so on wednesday, we set up time to have lunch. they decided on el torito since it's close to school and we used to have get togethers there. mexicasa was up in the air too, but it was too far. i would have prefered mexicasa since i am a bit low on cash these days. (but soon enough i will be able to pay everyone back) well, el torito it was. we told them it was jasmine's b-day to get a free desert. jajaja. we are bad. it was so nice to catch up with them. it was like the good ol' days. so here's the funny story, on the way out, jenn said she wanted me to hear a new band she was going to go see. the stills. or was it the thrills. or was it the spills. stupid band names. it was the stills. yeah. anyways, she told me to put it in and search for the track her favorite song was on. that was when i remembered that she had not seen my new stereo/cd system. so when i pointed it out to her and said it was so much better, she said, 'yeh, mine too. it's so good not to have to deal with the stupid cd player and adaptor." that was when i was like, what? you got one too?!? she said, "yeh! i forgot we haven't been in each other's car for so long!" she said josh (her boyfriend) got it for her. and that's when i said, "you're kidding me...peter got it for me too....yeh." funny story, no? as i drove back to school, i was seriously so happy i got to see them and just catch up. even though we don't talk often or hang out much anymore, it's just a pleasant feeling to see them for a little bit. it kind of takes all the stresses of everyday life out of your mind for a bit. i guess it's b/c with them, it's only about music and fun things. it's just kind of like taking yourself out from what's going on, standing back, looking at it and analyzing it with two people who aren't involved in the everyday things, but certainly understand it. um i can't explain it. it's just we all have things to do, but when we get together, those things are put aside for just a little while. yeh, something like that. Tuesday, February 24, 2004 gosh, everytime i read jinra's livejournal, i can't help but laugh. that girl is funny and so whitty. everybody elsemarch 10th troubador 12 bucks....too much, huh? wonder who they playing with. i put my bangs down this morning something different it looked okay but then they started looking like how my hair was back in high school. ew half way through the day, it got windy, so with the swift of my hand, i "swayed" my bangs back. that's what the girls at school call it. they say i have a way of "bang swaying." but the walk to the car will be so cold yeh maybe time to go home? i'm so restless i don't know what to do. so we were just talking. and i asked him how his saturday night was. you know, with his ex. anyways, i'm cool with it, just wanted to know more about him though. so somehow we were talking and he said, that our relationship isn't as intense as his was with his ex. yeh, i know, i'm not an intense girl. but i dont' want to hear that. i feel like he's comparing me to his 5 year relationship with her. i'm too casual, and easy going. hmmm.... then he said something like, 'things don't flow like they should, but if i go through all this trouble, then you know....' what? that he's going through all this trouble for me? i'm trouble? but you put up with me? so it that suppose to make me feel better? i don't want to be trouble. i'd rather not. he also said that he can talk to me more like a friend, than a girlfriend, which is what he didn't expect. being able to be so open. is that suppose to be a good thing? he said, yes, but it's weird. he said it's good to have a gf who he can be open with like a friend. um...i don't know how to take that really. yeh, how am i suppose to feel after hearing all this? i don't know. maybe i'm taking things the wrong way. i'm trying and this is the best i can for right now and if it's not up to his standards, i don't know what i can do. it's like when you try but they just don't see it. i just got shot down. i stopped the conversation. i didn't want to talk anymore. i was going to head home soon. i should talk to him. i guess it's me. the more i let someone in, the more things that are said hurt and bother me. maybe i was too nonchalant and easy going before that he didn't think i cared or that anything bothered me. but i guess now they do. gross, i think i blogged too much. Monday, February 23, 2004 thank you to mr. walker for putting me on the list. but thank you even more to vanessa for giving me that free ticket and having to pay for yourself. that ticket was suppose to be yours. now i know why you're my best friend....no, not because you give me free tickets, but because you look out for me. duh!i need to get rid of my two dollar bills! i feel bad for using them. i think it's because as i kid, i would always save them up. imagine how retarded i'd look if i went to buy food or something and gave them a bunch of two dollar bills. they would probably think that it was from my life savings or something. yeh, it kind of was. it was in my wooden box. not shoe box. but wood box that i made in woodshop in high school. jajaja. |
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about me! links Vanessa archives 06/09/2002 - 06/16/2002 taggie here credits original layout w4rnawarni : listen to the music designed by w4rnawarni @ blogskins |