| my heart sleeps as i watch the stars move |
|
|
Friday, October 10, 2003 excuse me while i blog b/c it seems like this is the only place anyone will care to listen/read.don't worry, within 10 minutes, i will no longer be angry/sad. that is my flaw. i have to go and see things other people's way and reason and then i get guilty for even thinking that way. it's been a long week. you probably wouldn't care to hear about it. my mom called me last night, and told me about the plan for next week. she sounded so sad. i can't stand that. please, people, when you say "bye" on the phone, please do not do the long monotone "bbyyyyyyeee." vanessa's not the only one. my sister does it and apparently my mom did that last night. it breaks my heart. and it makes me break. like right now...... while driving home from school tonight, i just really wanted to go home. i just wanted to give my mom a hug. i waved her goodbye this morning as she left to take my sister to school. all day i have been re-playing that image and i would just get so sad....like right now..................................................highly emotional week.... well anyways i came home to find that no one was home. wow, my house is usually never empty. i went to go study but not for very long b/c i just could not stand the emptiness. anyways, i came home and my mom was sleeping and my dad was in bed reading. i just wanted to go hug them both...........hang on, emotional week................but i just couldn't get myself to. i have this thing where i get embarrassed and awkward when i want to show any sort of emotion. but i just want to hug people sometimes and hopefully that is my way of telling them how much they mean to me. but again, i get embarrassed to actually go and do that. it takes a lot for me to do that. blah blah blah....... looking at all my outgoing calls, they have been all family members and people who i have missed seeing. apparently though, i may not be important enough to be on other people's outgoing calls. okay, i am done with venting. here is me being reasonable. maybe people have other things to deal with. they are busy. probably more than me. some people are just not like me. i shouldn't be so selfish. it's not all about me. i am just dealing with a really long and emotional week, but my cousins have just lost their dad................agian, emotional.........i need to stop................i've found that squeezing your eyes tightly and pushing the pressure points on the inner sides of your eyes helps. see, i feel guilty for even making myself seem sad b/c i'm so lucky in many ways that i don't need anyone's sympathy. so i'm going to stop. i'm going to say that there are so many wonderful people in my life and i am extremely grateful. if i don't get a chance to give you a hug, just know that you are important to me. i have a calc test in the morning and i cannot afford to waste time anymore. i need sleep. Tuesday, October 07, 2003 my uncle passed away yesterday. i think i only had to tell one person today. he had to go and ask why i wasn't as giddy as usual. it was a long day today. i can't imagine how it is for my cousins. man, i can't think about my cousins, it's too sad.Monday, October 06, 2003 i'm so preoccupied. i don't know what to do. i received a call an hour ago from my cousin. my uncle is in the hospital. she said his heart stopped. she was crying in the message. i called my mom to let her know. then i went to a meeting and heard a story about a girl who almost got mugged last night, in a hospital parking lot. and it was only 8 pm! then they all started talking about people who have night classes. and i told them how i study late. and i'm usually by myself. in an empty building. and nancy was saying how uci's campus has a lot of low shrubs and it's a lot bigger. easy for ppl to hide if they wanted. she freaked me out. maybe i should start going to the uci library rather than that empty building. yeah. my friend had advised me to get some mase. when he told me this, i thought nothing more of it, but now...i am going to a women's self defense class in a few weeks. if anyone would like to join me. you get a free t-shirt that says, "fight like a girl." wouldn't that be a cool shirt?! oh i got my chem test back. i aced it. no prob. (well thank goodness for the curve) so excited. so relieved. so uncomfortable when people ask me what i get on my tests and i just say, "i did alright.' and they ask again, and i say, "i did well." and they say, "how well." and i don't want to say, " i got an A," it always makes me feel weird when i say that and all they say in return is "oh" or they give me a look. i'm sorry if i did well on this test! i don't always do well if that makes you feel better. so when they ask, for the 20th time, i don't say anything but show them my paper. and that shuts them up. sorry. but for those who do just as well or better.. good job. my cousin just called again. the worse sound to hear is the sound of loved ones crying. |
-->
about me! links Vanessa archives 06/09/2002 - 06/16/2002 taggie here credits original layout w4rnawarni : listen to the music designed by w4rnawarni @ blogskins |